


zu schön

by orphan_account



Series: Xiaoyang [1]
Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Xiaoyang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 07:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17862869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I'm basing this fic off of a Reddit Q&A with a former SM trainee (female) on r/kpop which is a really interesting read btw. She's a credible source according to the admins and the way she describes her life during her trainee days seems honest and without euphemisms.





	zu schön

**Author's Note:**

> I'm basing this fic off of a Reddit Q&A with a former SM trainee (female) on r/kpop which is a really interesting read btw. She's a credible source according to the admins and the way she describes her life during her trainee days seems honest and without euphemisms.

Xiaojun was nervous before his debut stage. He had gotten used to performing over time but it didn't stop the way his fingers trembled as he stood in between cables, tools, and water bottles, getting his makeup corrected.  
He turned his head to look at Yangyang as soon as the makeup artist was done. Yangyang put his earpieces into his ears before removing them and switching the left with the right one, laughing at his own silliness. Then he looked up, meeting Xiaojun's gaze and showing his teeth in an encouraging smile. Xiaojun waved his hands excitedly, the boy had always intrigued him even when he first started his training.  
He and Yangyang hadn't gotten close during the first few months after Xiaojun had become a trainee. The only reason they had talked was because the Chinese trainees normally hung out together and because of their Korean class.  
Xiaojun knew that he had a good singing voice as he had sung for almost all of his life and was trained to be a vocalist, but he respected trainees too much who had been there before him. He found it easy to get along with them on a shallow level but as everything was so new it was more comfortable for him to stick to the people who had started their training at the same time as he had or had joined the company after him.  
Yangyang's bubbly and innocent personality made him one of the most popular trainees even though he didn't acknowledge it very often. He seemed to ignore the competition between the trainees while clearly being at the forefront and although some people called him naive behind his back Xiaojun noticed that Yangyang was the type of person who didn't only believe but who brought out the good in every human being. Xiaojun had heard that he had managed to breach the gap between the foreigners and the Korean trainees within weeks with his English skills, which in return helped him pick up Korean even faster and he was known for being someone people went to when they needed to talk to someone, someone who could be serious when he needed to be.  
Xiaojun knew that Yangyang was part of the group that often stayed behind to practice, so he soon started doing the same, hoping he could get closer to him somehow.  
It wasn't easy as there were a lot of male trainees because of NCT's concept of unlimited members and a lot of the trainees demanded Yangyang's attention but Xiaojun was determined. He was sure that Yangyang was going to make it into NCT one day and it made him want it too, so he made sure to mention the group as often as he could when his manager was around.  
One of the choreographies the trainees learned was NCT's Black on Black. Xiaojun ended up dancing right behind Yangyang for the last part, so when the music ended he could take the opportunity to say a few words to his crush.  
"Your footwork was amazing," Xiaojun said to Yangyang the first time he got the opportunity.  
"Really? Thank you!" Yangyang smiled at him, grabbing his water bottle from where he had placed it near the mirror.  
"Yeah, I'm basically learning the steps watching you."  
"Oh, I can help you if you want!"  
Xiaojun's first reflex was to say no. What if  
it ended in awkwardness? "That'd be cool," he said instead. "Are you gonna practice later?"  
Yangyang ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know to be honest. We have a day off tomorrow, so I thought about practicing tomorrow and going back to the dorm earlier today. Some of the guys are planning a Harry Potter marathon."  
"Okay, tomorrow is –"  
"You know what," Yangyang said. "It's fine. I've seen the movies a hundred times already and I think I actually prefer dancing. Let's do this."  
Xiaojun's heart began to race. He couldn't mean it, could he? "Awesome!" He looked at the guys who were already leaving the room. "Are we gonna stay in here?"  
It turned out that Yangyang sometimes asked one of their teachers for the keys of one of the smaller practice rooms, so they used one that was down the hallway.  
Xiaojun had always found it difficult to master moves. It was easy to learn but to get them down to perfection and combine them into a single flow the way Yangyang did wasn't his talent.  
He noticed how much of an eye for these things his fellow trainee had as he pointed out the tiniest things like wrong angles or a certain motion of his fingers that completed the move.  
"It's good that I ended up sitting behind you in the end," Xiaojun joked as they packed their things after they finished their practice.  
Yangyang looked up at him. "Definitely. We don't talk that much considering we're both Chinese and in the same classes."  
"Most people see you as the German guy though."  
Yangyangs expression became serious for a minute. "And in Germany they think of me as Chinese."  
Xiaojun understood. "Do you feel like you fit in?" he asked.  
"Not really," Yangyang sat down, leaning against the mirror with his water bottle in his hands, signaling Xiaojun that they were in for a long talk. "I guess it's easier for me than for a lot of other trainees because I'm approachable. Dancing made me one of the cooler kids in Germany as well. I've never experienced racism that way in Germany and I don't know any other Chinese who has."  
Xiaojun sat down in front of him, crossing his legs. "Do you ever feel lonely?"  
"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be," Yangyang replied, offering his bottle to Xiaojun, who took a sip from the water.  
"Same," Xiaojun said. "I knew the consequences when I signed up for this. It's not like they don't talk you through it."  
"Mhm," Yangyang nodded and got up. He walked over to his bag and pulled out a sweater and skinny jeans.  
Xiaojun couldn't help but steal a glance at his body through the mirror when he changed. Yangyang was thin but in a lean way. Xiaojun realized that he had more muscle mass than he had imagined, not saying that Yangyang was muscular per se but that he could see the clear shapes moving underneath his skin.  
He distracted himself with the water bottle when Yangyang turned around again.  
"It's okay," Yangyang laughed. "You can look. I would've left the room if I hadn't wanted you to."  
Xiaojun's face started to burn as Yangyang sat down in front of the mirror again, placing Xiaojun's towel around his neck.  
"Thank you," Xiaojun said, rubbing off the sweat on his face.  
"No problem." Yangyang watched him, reaching over after he'd dropped the towel and running one of its ends over Xiaojun's forehead, collecting the moisture that clung to his hair.  
Xiaojun didn't dare looking into Yangyang's eyes.

They became a lot closer over the next couple of weeks as they stayed late almost every evening. It became a habit between the two of them to say goodnight when they saw each other for what would be he last time that day and Xiaojun couldn't be happier.  
He realized that what had kept him back in the beginning were the many friends Yangyang seemed to have whom he thought he wouldn't be able to compete with. But the first time and every time after Yangyang approached him even though he was in the same room as his other friends gave Xiaojun confidence. It showed him that their friendship wasn't one-sided.  
The competition between the trainees became harder the older they got and it slowly but steadily became visible who would not make it. There were rumors going around about a Chinese subunit as NCT had multiple Chinese members already, so even though their friendship was blooming, Xiaojun knew that it wasn't sure that the two of them would be included in NCT in the end. He hated the way he didn't really care about any other trainee than Yangyang. He didn't want his only real connection with a fellow trainee to be based on a stupid crush that he had.  
There was a week in February where Yangyang became more reserved and Xiaojun noticed how he never really started conversations with anyone.  
He took matters in his own hands when he'd seen this happen for a few days after Yangyang cancelled their practice for the second time in a row.  
Yangyang was about to leave the practice room in a hurry, trying to avoid everyone, but Xiaojun had observed his behavior the past couple of days, waiting for him outside in the hallway.  
"Talk to me," he said when Yangyang spotted him, freezing on the spot. "You've been avoiding most of us and I don't want to deal with it anymore." He held out his hand, the keys dangling from his fingers.  
Yangyang looked at it, then back up at Xiaojun before taking them from him.  
The light in the practice room seemed wrong. It was too bright for the kind of atmosphere Xiaojun had wanted. He turned it off after Yangyang had sat down, placing his phone on the ground instead so that it's flashlight hit the ceiling while not directly blinding them. He sat down next to Yangyang and relaxed against the mirror.  
"It's the pressure, right?" He asked.  
"That obvious?" Yangyang laughed a dry laugh that completely contrasted his bubbly personality. Xiaojun knew that he could fierce and intimidating on stage but he didn't know the bitter side Yangyang was showing him.  
He placed his arm around Yangyang's shoulders, lightly tugging until Yangyang finally dropped his head, using Xiaojun as a support.  
Xiaojun stroked his hair with nervous fingers that were almost trembling and a heartbeat that was so loud he was sure that Yangyang noticed it.  
"You know–" he began when Yangyang suddenly lifted his head, looking at him with hooded eyes, his lips moist and half-open. Xiaojun's gaze was captured by his eyes; he couldn't look away.  
He wants me to kiss him, he thought. He does.  
He lowered his head, pushed forward.  
And then the door opened and light hit the two of them as they drove apart hastily.  
The dancing teacher who had entered the room didn't notice them for a few seconds until Xiaojun crawled forward to retrieve his phone and turned off the flashlight.  
"Did you just finish practicing?" He asked.  
"Yeah we were about to leave." Xiaojun gave him a little smile as they walked past him.  
They were awkward on their way back to their rooms, not really speaking a word as there were too many other people around until they said their goodnights.  
Kunhang, Xiaojun's roommate was lying on his bed, typing something into his phone when Xiaojun closed the door behind himself.  
"Practice go well?"  
"Yeah," Xiaojun lied. He didn't want to explain anything.  
"I'm gonna watch Birdman with the others, are you interested?"  
"I've seen it a number of times," Xiaojun said. "It's a good movie."  
"I don't even know what it's about to be honest."  
"It's a movie about an actor who is a superhero at the same time. It's edited into one shot so it plays in real time. It won the Oscar for best picture in 2014."  
"Gosh why the hell are you here when you're so interested in filmmaking?" Hendery mumbled as he got off the bed. "Okay, I'm gonna watch it." And with that he left.  
Xiaojun took a shower and brushed his teeth before he turned off the light and lay down, talking to his parents on WhatsApp but getting distracted by his thoughts about Yangyang.  
The door opened half an hour later, the silhouette joining him in the room belonging to the one person he couldn't stop thinking about.  
He held out his phone so the light of the screen reflected in Yangyang's eyes as he sat down on the edge of Xiaojun's bed.  
He looked amazing, hovering above Xiaojun with his hair sticking to his forehead in damp strands and his eyes shining in the semi-darkness.  
"Hey," Yangyang whispered.  
"Hey." Xiaojun sat up and leaned against the headrest, turning on the lamp next to his head and locking his phone.  
"I saw your roommates in front of the TV with the others when I came back from the showers," Yangyang explained. "I didn't know if you'd still be awake."  
Xiaojun nodded, unable to say a thing. He wanted to run his fingers through Yangyang's hair, wanted to feel the skin underneath his fingertips and wanted to smell more of the scent that already teasingly caressed his senses.  
"I'm so happy I talked to you," Xiaojun said, unable to stop himself.  
"What do you mean?" Yangyang asked curiously.  
"You're just..." Xiaojun could feel the heat in his face. "I didn't think I would ever be able to get close to you. You have so many friends,  
among the trainees you know. I felt like I'd just become one of many. That I'm not special."  
"Bist du aber," Yangyang said.  
"Stop speaking German!" Xiaojun pushed him playfully.  
"Me too, I'm happy you talked to me," Yangyang said.  
"You could've just talked to me first," Xiaojun mumbled.  
"I don't think I would've," Yangyang admitted.  
Xiaojun frowned. "Why not?"  
"Du bist zu schön."  
"What?!" Xiaojun pushed him again. "Not fair! I don't have anything against you in this! I don't speak any language you don't speak!"  
"Use Google translate or something," Yangyang challenged him.  
"Fine," Xiaojun unlocked his phone. "I'll do it. Say that again."  
"Du bist zu schön," Yangyang said again, slowly this time.  
"Du bist zu schön, du bist zu schön, du bist zu schön," Xiaojun repeated a few times as he accessed Siri. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the result yet. What if it meant something he wouldn't like?  
"Siri," he said. "What does 'Du bist zu schön ' mean?"  
Yangyang leaned closer, watching the screen. "Spelling's correct."  
"Hey Xiaojun," the AI replied. "'Du bist zu schön' means 'You are too beautiful'."  
Xiaojun held his breath. Numerous people had told him before that he was handsome but he didn't think that Yangyang thought that too. Yangyang, whose opinion mattered the most.  
"You think I'm handsome?" he asked.  
"No," Yangyang said, his voice barely a whisper. "I think you're beautiful."  
"Only girls are called beautiful," Xiaojun said even though he'd admitted to himself that he found Yangyang more beautiful than any girl he'd ever seen.  
"Girls don't matter to me," Yangyang said. "Not in that way. I don't find them beautiful."  
Xiaojun didn't know what to say. His heart was beating faster and he could feel the sweat clinging to his palms.  
"I don't find them attractive," Yangyang corrected himself.  
Something in his face changed, baring a new side of him that carried a sadness with Xiaojun couldn't handle. The only time he'd ever seen Yangyang sad before had been earlier that evening when Xiaojun had almost been sure that Yangyang wanted him to kiss his soft lips.  
Xiaojun's throat constricted as Yangyang leaned forward, placing a hand on either side of Xiaojun's waist, his thumbs barely touching him but he could feel the tingle coming from the touch reverberate in his groin.  
"I..." Yangyang's voice was weak, almost a whisper. "I need you."  
Xiaojun's eyes almost fell shut at the sweet melody. He lifted his head so his nose brushed against Yangyang's. Finally, he thought right before their lips met in a bumpy, inexperienced kiss.  
Yangyang's movements became desperate, his hands clinging to Xiaojun's shirt in an urgent way. Xiaojun slid backwards against the headboard, reaching out to grasp Yangyang's waist, pulling him onto the bed.  
Yangyang fit perfectly into his lap as he straddled Xiaojun. Yangyang brought distance between them for a second to confirm that what they were doing was still okay but Xiaojun wasn't having it, placing his hands on Yangyang's neck and connecting their lips again while slowly pushing himself away from the wood behind him and lying down with Yangyang on top of him.  
Yangyang gasped as Xiaojun slid his hands underneath Yangyang's shirt, caressing the warm skin of his back.  
Xiaojun ended up on top soon enough with one leg between Yangyang's and the other on his right side, their hips creating the tiniest amount of friction, both of them still too shy to admit the thoughts running through their heads.  
Xiaojun pushed Yangyang's shirt of out the way their lips finally separated. He bent down to kiss the others boy's torso, working his way up from his belly button to his nipples before finally reaching his neck.  
Yangyang pushed him away a few seconds later. "No hickeys, please," he said.  
"I wasn't going to give you any, I promise," Xiaojun replied, gently stroking Yangyang's hair. "They would only get us in trouble."  
"Me," Yangyang said, looking away. "They would get me in trouble."  
Xiaojun lay down next to him and pressed his hand against Yangyang's cheek to turn his head  so he could look at him. "You're not alone in this," he said when their gazes locked. "I'm here with you every step of the way. I don't have a problem with being out if it's for you. The other boys already know that my dad crossdresses for a living ang they're old enough to understand that homophobia isn't cool. When have you ever heard them say anything homophobic?"  
Yangyang kept his mouth shut because he hadn't.  
"You know that we have to keep it to ourselves if we don't want to get fired. That doesn't mean that we have to do that forever. Once we have enough support from our fans – if we debut that is – I'm sure SM would accept us and until then it's just a matter of time."  
"Isn't it gonna be difficult?" Yangyang asked. "Sneaking around? How often will we be able to see each other in private? Three times a week during practice?"  
Xiaojun leaned in for a chaste kiss. "Pity we aren't roommates."  
"If we debut together I'll fight for that," Yangyang whispered. "I promise."  
Xiaojun opened his mouth to say something but there was a voice outside the door that made Yangyang get up and return to his position on the edge of the bed within a split second. Xiaojun's heart was hammering against his chest as he listened to the voices fade away.  
"Shit! We have to be so careful!" Yangyang exclaimed in a whisper.  
Xiaojun rested his hand on Yangyang's back to calm him down. "We will be," he reassured him as he climbed under the covers. "Just stay here for a little while."  
Yangyang nodded, his eyes never leaving Xiaojun's, making it painfully obvious what he was asking for. Xiaojun smiled a little, leaning forward to bring their lips together again and to run his fingers through Yangyang's hair.  
Yangyang gently but his lower lip as Xiaojun pulled away, leaving him a little more breathless than usual as he opened his eyes to take in the disheveled hair, the half closed eyes and the moist lips.  
"Gosh," he groaned, burying his face in Yangyang's shoulder. "You're so fucking amazing!"  
Yangyang chuckled. "What?!"  
"I mean that," Xiaojun insisted. "You were the first guy who caught my attention when I entered SM. You impressed the hell out of me when I first saw you dancing." He lay back and intertwined their fingers.  
"Your voice is angelic," Yangyang replied. "I watch those videos of you on X Fire on a daily basis before I go to sleep. It's like an addiction."  
"That's where all the views come from," Xiaojun joked, making Yangyang bury his face in his hands.  
"I'm pretty sure you have a lot of female admirers given the way you look and your amazing voice."  
"I might," Xiaojun said. "But I don't care about them as much as I care about you."  
This time Yangyang buried his face in Xiaojun's shoulder as they held each other.  
They let go soon as they were aware of the risk of someone walking in on them.  
Xiaojun lay back and Yangyang held his hand instead as they murmuring compliments to each other.  
Yangyang let go of him minutes after when was fast asleep, pressing a kiss onto his cheek instead.  
"Du bist so schön wenn du schläfst," he whispered before he turned the light off and left the room. 

All of this had happened months ago and nobody had noticed a thing. Not even when the two of them had insisted on sharing a room. They always stayed up the longest, making sure that everyone else had gone to bed already before turning off the lights and then Yangyang slipped into his bed and they went to whatever dreamland their bodies lead them, no thoughts necessary.  
Yangyang appeared on his side without Xiaojun noticing. He flinched as a hand was placed on his shoulder. "Come back to the dressing rooms with me for a second," Yangyang said. "We have about thirty minutes until the show starts."  
Xiaojun nodded and bent his mic upwards so his lips were accessible. It was crazy how fast his nerves were forgotten over the prospect of being kissed by Yangyang.  
Their lips met as soon as the door had fallen shut behind them. Yangyang pressed him up against it, his lips urging him to abandon his inhibitions.   
"I was nervous before, you know," Yangyang said as they pulled away a minute later.  
"Me too," Xiaojun said. "I'm not nervous anymore."  
"I can't believe that we're debuting together," Yangyang said. "This feels like everything I've ever dreamed of!"  
Xiaojun nodded and caressed his cheek. "Just one thing," he whispered. "Because I don't want to debut with you without this being clear."  
"What?" Yangyang teased, but Xiaojun knew that he knew what was coming.  
"I want to be in a relationship with you when we debut," he said. "Because – and I've told you this a hundred times before and I'll never grow tired of telling you since you're worth it – I love you. I'm in love with you and I want to do this the right way. I want your verbal reply to this question. Do you want to be my boyfriend?"  
Yangyang chuckled. "I can sign a contract if that's what makes it official for you."  
Xiaojun groaned. "Please –"  
"Yes," Yangyang said. "I want to be your boyfriend."  
It was impossible for Xiaojun to hide his smile.  
"Ich liebe dich," Yangyang said.  
And this time Xiaojun understood.


End file.
